Left Wondering: Love Lost Too Soon
Advice | How to heal from a connection without closure
Looking for a glass-half-full perspective on health, relationships, spirituality, etc.?
This advice series invites you to ask me anything to gain a shift in perspective.
Dear Michelle,
How do I fully heal from a romantic relationship that felt highly spiritual when there wasn’t closure?
Left Wondering
Dear Left Wondering,
I smiled upon reading this—not because I take pleasure in your discomfort, but because of the universal bittersweetness of your experience. Whether discussing an interrupted romance, an opportunity that slipped through your fingers, or a dear companion who passed before you were ready, all hard stops in life carry the potential for grief, indignation, and wondering—and I honor every one of them equally.
The thing is, we’ve all experienced unexpected exits in our lives and survived—sometimes even moved on easily—without closure. The difficulty letting go comes when we attach long-term hopes, dreams, and a deep spiritual significance to a relationship. I find that the more you open up to your own spiritual connection, the more spiritual the connections that come into your life tend to feel. But what if that feeling isn’t because the connection was particularly powerful, but because you were more connected to yourself at the time of the interaction?
Every single relationship we call into our lives is a mirror back to us in that moment. Sometimes we like what we see, sometimes we don’t, but more often than not, we only need a brief glimpse at that reflection to get the message. The confusion comes when that reflection feels like it contains a) something that we’re missing, b) something that we desire, or, if we’re extremely self-aware, c) something we recognize as a quality within ourselves that makes this person feel highly “relatable.” That’s when we start to plan for a future that this relationship has yet to earn. We fantasize about what happens next, who this person could become to us, and what we could become together. So if the other person walks away (or worse, disappears), it feels like we need a resolution.
But their exit is the resolution—in fact, it’s one you wrote yourself.
In fantasizing about this individual, you clarified your vision of a romantic partner so extensively that any mismatch had no option but to be repelled from your life. I say this not to place blame, but to congratulate you, because some small, self-loving part of you upgraded your romantic wish-list and stated to the Universe, “This vision is what I deserve and I will not accept anything less.” Then the Universe, always in compliance, sent any package that didn’t match your order far from your door. The vision you’ve ordered exists; it’s just not arriving in the package you thought.
As for your question: How do I heal? (I omitted the word “fully” because we often revisit a wound more than once before it fully heals.) For now, your medicine is simple: Forgive. Forgive this person for not being a true match to your desires. It’s not their fault. It doesn’t mean they’re inferior. It just means they’re not truly what you wanted. They could be a deck full of Aces, but what your hand needs is a King of Hearts. You were never meant to keep all the cards, just the ones that win the game.
Wishing you a better hand next time,
Michelle Shea Walker