For the return of Glass Half Full Advice, we have a pair of readers dealing with different situations, but a similar energy/outlook. Their questions are presented together to exemplify how universal our problems often are, even when the lives we live appear to be vastly different.
Dear Michelle,
I’ve recently been through a lot—jail, bad breakups, drug addiction—mentally I’m worn out, but still trying. I feel stuck, and I lack the motivation or willpower to move forward. I want to feel understood, stable, and find my purpose.
Feeling Stuck*
*This submission has been edited for clarity & to protect the reader’s identity
Dear Michelle,
Why do I self-sabotage? How can I stop doing it?
Also Feeling Stuck
Dear Feeling Stuck Duo,
First of all, I want to congratulate you on not being nearly as stuck as you feel. The very fact that you’re both self-aware enough to realize your predicament and willing to ask for help is proof that you’re more action-oriented than you realize.
Feeling stuck, self-sabotage, and lacking the willpower to implement change all stem from the same root emotion: Fear. Unconsciously, we avoid change because the unknown feels not just uncertain, but unsafe to our primal psychology. No matter how bad the present circumstance might feel, we find comfort in the fact that we know what to expect from old patterns. Things get further complicated when we try to numb our feelings with alcohol, drugs, relationships, or even soft addictions like modern media. It eventually becomes an endless cycle—crave change, feel afraid, reach for distraction, feel guilty, then repeat.
I make these observations, not from some lofty cloud above the fray, but from down in the trenches with you. Even during the most productive periods of my life, there’s always a dark little corner of my existence where I can’t seem to stop spinning in circles. Like a wind-up toy bouncing against a corner, it feels nearly impossible to get pointed in the right direction. Thankfully, I’ve learned to lighten my agenda by thinking of creating a new habit (and ultimately, a new life) as if I’m baking a delicious dessert.
First, there’s a craving for something sweet, followed by the assembly of the ingredients, then placing it all in the oven to bake.
Often, what we perceive as self-sabotage is a sign something has gone awry in one of those three steps. So here’s my advice:
Know what you’re craving. This is Manifestation and Goal Setting 101: you can’t create the future you desire if you haven’t yet defined what you want. Even if you don’t have every little detail mapped out, you can at least pinpoint how you want to feel. Or, to use our baking metaphor, what flavor are you craving?
If that question stymies you, work backwards. Define what you definitely aren’t craving. Make a list of all the aspects of life leaving a bad taste in your mouth lately—toxic relationships, dead end jobs, harmful habits—then flip the script and write out a list of things that would feel the opposite of those circumstances. Sometimes, to know what you want, you have to know what you really don’t want.Gather the necessary ingredients. Once you’ve established the flavor you’re craving, it’s time to gather the ingredients you need. Depending on your goal, the necessary items/actions could be big or small. But like sifting the flour to prevent lumps in your dessert, the extra effort will ultimately set you up for greater success in the long-run.
If you’re thinking of leaving an uninspired job, your ingredients might look like building a financial safety net or studying a new vocation on the nights and weekends. If your need to change stems from past trauma or current addiction, the ingredients you gather may include counseling or a specialized support group. Whatever the elements, keep in mind that it’s all in the name of creating a delicious life. Without the baking soda, your cake will not rise, without the sugar, it won’t taste as sweet. Though they may take time to acquire, these ingredients will ensure your recipe comes out tasting just as you intended.Check to make sure the oven is on. This is both the most important and the most elusive step of our baking process. Sometimes, inexplicably, the oven we thought we had pre-heated simply isn’t on when we need it to be. In short, we’ve done all the work, but outside circumstances still seem to be holding up the process of us achieving our goals. This is when we learn to trust the timing.
You’ve already tackled your fear in preparing the metaphorical batter. The hardest part is over, you just have to keep showing up. Keep coming back to your ingredients, working the processes you’ve already established, and refining your recipe. Then one day, almost like magic, you’ll find that the oven is hot, you’re ready to bake, and your dessert will taste that much sweeter after the wait.
May your just desserts rise (& soon),
Michelle